


Not My Area Of Expertise

by Blistering_Typhoons



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: 0 to a 100 real quick, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bilbo is a Sweetheart, Dwalin is a damn troll, Fluff, Gen, Halloween, Halloween Costumes, Haunted Mazes, Humour, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Nori is a Little Shit, Nori's got money moves, Pining, Thorin is a Softie, but he's also an idiot, minor kissing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-18
Updated: 2018-10-18
Packaged: 2019-08-04 00:41:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16336457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blistering_Typhoons/pseuds/Blistering_Typhoons
Summary: Thorin Oakenshield is a single Uncle/Father to his nephews Fili and Kili after the untimely death of their parents. One Halloween the boys have had enough and decide to drag Thorin outside.That would be all well, if it weren't for the fact that he would get stuck in a bloody maze with Bilbo Baggins of all people.





	Not My Area Of Expertise

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FandomCookie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FandomCookie/gifts).



> Here you go sibling of mine, you better freaking enjoy it!
> 
> (Also I know it's early, shush.)

A mechanical scream pierces through the air just as Thorin sets foot on the dark wood porch. He grimaces as the two boys tugging on his shirt screech in delight at the sight of plastic decorations littered around the various houses.

 

The same screams sounds again and he can now see it’s coming from a tiny pumpkin situated on the sidewalk. The white cloth of the makeshift ghost on the roof of the porch flaps into his face, causing him to sputter slightly. Kili yelps and bats away the offending item with his tiny wooden sword.

 

“Thank you Kili.”, Thorin says, which rewards him with a huge beam. Fili pouts slightly and Thorin ruffles his oldest nephew’s hair affectionately.

 

“Come on then you two, if you drag me out here, you are going to have to show me the way!”, Thorin exclaims, trying to diffuse the potential tantrum.

 

“Yes! Let’s go, Fee! Unca Thorin is still lost after all this – AAH! NO UNCLE, I’M A PIRATE YOU CAN’T CATCH ME!”, Kili shrieks, bounding down the stairs as Thorin makes to catch him.

 

Thorin feels a small smile tug across his features at the sight of his nephews laughing freely for a change. They’ve needed it badly after the accident. His smile falters slightly at the thought, memories swirling through his mind. It’s only Fili’s impatient calls for him that yanks him out of his depressing thoughts.   
Checking that he has everything and making sure he’s locked the door, he jogs over to where the boys are. He grunts in surprise as one of the metal rings in his hair smacks him on the cheek. He’s beginning to regret letting Dwalin pick his costume.

 

Speaking of his friend, a hand lands on his shoulder. And considering his costume has minimal material and the October air is unforgiving, it’s no wonder he yelps and spins around, nearly punching Dwalin in the face.

 

“Good evening to ya too, Oakenshield.”, Dwalin deadpans and Thorin exhales in relief, smacking his friend’s shoulder for good measure.

 

Dwalin chuckles, rubbing lightly at the bruising. Thorin frowns and adjusts what little is his costume.

 

“DWALIN!”, the boys scream out in unison and Dwalin only has seconds to prepare for the hug attack that follows.

 

Thorin smirks as Dwalin loses his balance slightly, fortunately stumbling back into a thin tree.

 

“Whoa, hold on ya little trolls!”, Dwalin exclaims and Kili’s giggle is muffled by the thick material of Dwalin’s coat.

 

“Dwalin, are you coming to the fair with us?”, Fili questions, flicking his dyed hair out of his face.

 

Dwalin makes a show of thinking it over, stroking his bushy beard in the process. Thorin huffs out a breath as his friend crouches down slowly to his nephew’s level.

 

“Well.... that depends,”, Dwalin pauses to give Thorin a smirk, “on whether or not Master Baggins will be there...”

 

Kili and Fili both lapse into uncontrollable giggles and Thorin growls at his friend. Dwalin just raises an amused eyebrow and straightens up. The orange light flickers over their faces as they stare at each other, which would be a tense situation if it were not for the fact that Dwalin was holding back a laugh and the boys were not currently losing it.

 

Thorin sighs and faces upward, nodding silently in the process. Dwalin barks out a laugh, joining Fili and Kili halfway on the floor.

 

“You are a child, Fundin.”, Thorin grits out and Dwalin wheezes.

 

“Ya hear tha’ boys? He’s broken out the las’ name warning!”, Dwalin chokes out and Fili and Kili laugh harder. Thorin frowns and checks his watch, waving awkwardly to a woman and her boyfriend.

 

“Are you two done? We are going to be late and Bil- I mean-“, he’s cut off by another howl from Dwalin.

 

“You- y-you called him B-Bilbo! When the hell did that h-happen!”, Dwalin exclaims, straightening up once more with a confused look on his face. 

 

Thorin groans internally, a pained look on his face.

 

“We- we met up for coffee last wed- shut up Dwalin- last Wednesday and he, uh, he insisted that I address him as Bilbo.”, Thorin explains and Dwalin stops laughing entirely, features softening slightly.

 

“I am happy for you my brother. It’s about time you found someone you truly like.”, Dwalin says softly, laying a gentle hand on Thorin’s bare shoulder.

 

Thorin deflates, but smiles at his friend. Dwalin could be insufferable at times, but he was always there for Thorin. Especially through times like this.

 

A gasp from Fili startles them out of their semi hug and Thorin turns around.

 

“Fili? What is it?”

 

“Look! It’s Master Baggins and-“, Fili is interrupted by his brother’s delighted squeal and even Dwalin looks confused.

 

Suddenly a familiar voice calls Thorin’s name and he tenses slightly. He knows the voice is familiar, considering all the times he’s thought about, dreamed about it even.

 

Bilbo Baggins.

 

“Thorin! I- oh my.”, Bilbo falters as he gets closer and Thorin realizes how little clothing he actually has on. If the October air didn’t already make him acutely aware of it, then Bilbo’s green eyed gaze certainly will.

 

Thankfully both of them are spared from the awkwardness by the sight of something tiny and vaguely scaly emerging from behind Bilbo. The boys muffle their shrieks this time before stooping down to the scaly thing’s level.

 

“Fee! Kee!”, it says and Thorin realizes with a start that it’s actually Frodo, Bilbo’s surrogate son.

 

“Hello Frodo! What are you dressed as? Fili is a lion and I’m a pirate!”, Kili informs the five year old excitedly and Frodo starts jumping up and down for no apparent reason.

 

“I’m a dragon! Raa!”, Frodo replies, the ‘ferocious’ roar tampering off into a happy shriek as Fili gently picks him up and spins him around.

 

Thorin can see that the scales are part of a soft looking material, similar to a onesie and the hood is what prevented him from recognizing Frodo. He swallows down a tiny bit of discomfort at the dragon part, being that it was Frodo Baggins in scaly pyjamas after all.  
And that Bilbo’s laugh was travelling through his chest with a warm feeling, the other man’s smile brighter than all the cheap lanterns on the block combined.

 

“Alright Fili, I think it’s time to set Master Frodo back down.”, Thorin says, softly pressing a hand to his oldest nephew’s back to still him.

 

Fili nods, smile still present, bending down to reconnect the younger boy to earth.

 

“Here’s your dragon back, Master Baggins!”, Fili exclaims, softly pushing the giggling Frodo towards Bilbo.

 

“Thank you Fili, I was wondering what that odd blur was”, Bilbo replies readily and both Fili and Kili smile.

 

“Are you lot heading to the fair?”, Bilbo continues and Thorin nods.

 

“Yes, we were just collecting our bearings-“, Thorin’s cut off by Dwalin.

 

“Until I showed up and ruined it. So in repayment and I’m terribly impolite right now-“, Bilbo waves him off with a smile”, I’m going ta go ahead with the boys while you two ‘collect yer bearings’.”

 

Fili and Kili snigger quietly as Dwalin takes them by the shoulders and starts marching them up the sidewalk. Frodo decides he wants to tag along (which makes the boys incredibly happy) leaving Thorin to stand around awkwardly, half naked with no idea what to say.

 

“So what are you dressed as?”, Bilbo ventures hesitantly and Thorin tries not to let his grimace show too much.

 

“Uh, a – it’s a caveman. Dwalin’s idea, he’s dressed as an explorer, case you were wondering”, he answers lamely, fingering at the loops on his makeshift, faux fur skirt.

 

Bilbo nods understandingly and Thorin wonders if maybe he was also roped into a stupid costume. Not that the story would change the fact that Bilbo looks stunning in whatever he’s wearing right now. Thorin allows his eyes to wander slightly, upwards that is.

 

“And you?”, he questions and Bilbo’s eyes widen.

 

“Oh yes me, of course, right. I’m a... fairy. Frodo’s idea.”, he says with a pained look and Thorin smiles in what he hopes is a reassuring way.

 

“It looks good. No really, this is coming from me, remember?”, he says, enormously pleased with the little smile he gets in return.

 

“Well, if you say so. Now let’s go before poor Dwalin is overwhelmed”, Bilbo says and Thorin snorts in amusement.

 

“He deserves it, the bloody traitor.”

 

Bilbo’s chuckle syncs up with another robotic laugh and for once Thorin is really glad he decided not to be stubborn.

 

\---

 

“Uncle Thorin?”, Fili asks hesitantly and Thorin’s already pulling out his wallet.

 

“Yes Fili?”

 

“Me, Kili and Frodo were wondering if we could all maybe go into the haunted maze? With you and Master Baggins?”, the golden haired boy asks and Thorin glances over at the slightly menacing hay entrance.

 

Neon lights were flashing from the top and on the left side. He can see three teenage girls fleeing from the exit with a mixture of afraid and excited shrieks. Thorin winces when a scream resounds from somewhere inside the shadowy recesses.

 

He’s about to say no and risk experiencing the heart-breaking sight that is his nephew’s sad face, when Bilbo comes to join them. Kili is trailing behind him, Frodo in his arms.

 

“So have we come to a conclusion yet?”, Bilbo questions and Thorin’s tongue feels heavy in his mouth. 

 

What if he looks like a boring person? Or worse, what if it looks like he’s scared? He regards the maze with a hard stare before sighing softly.

 

“Alright, let’s go inside”, he says and there’s a resounding cheer. Thorin looks around for Dwalin, only to find his friend smirking and talking to the blushing school librarian he’s been raving about.

 

Traitor.

 

“Come on, come on!”, Kili shrieks, grabbing Thorin’s hand to pull him towards the maze. He can’t help but chuckle and let himself be dragged along.

 

“I’m sorry if you didn’t want to do this”, Bilbo says softly from behind him as they’re waiting in the makeshift queue. 

 

“It’s alright, I’m assuming Kili approached you?”, Thorin answers, making to lay a comforting hand on Bilbo’s shoulder, only to run a hand through his hair.

 

Bilbo huffs out a tiny laugh and shakes his head. Thorin can’t help but think it the most endearing thing the other man has done yet.

 

Before they know it, the line in front of them has trickled away leaving them at the front. Thorin goes to stand in front of the ticket booth when all of a sudden there’s a frightened gasp.

 

“Bilbo! Uncle, watch out!”, Fili cries out as several onlookers gasp and scream.

 

Thorin just has enough time to react, grabbing Bilbo’s waist and falling through the entrance to the maze. The huge ‘Haunted Maze!’ sign collapses harmlessly to the ground behind them. Both men cough as the dust and hay settles around them and Thorin hastily lets go of Bilbo.

 

“Are you hurt?”, he grunts out, trying to ignore the sharp pain on his right cheek.

 

Bilbo nods.

 

“Yes, just perhaps in a bit of shock.”

 

Thorin sighs in relief, surveying the silver backing of the sign. A few more seconds and he would’ve been crushed.

 

“Oh god, the boys!”, Bilbo exclaims, scrambling to get up.

 

“Uncle? UNCLE ARE YOU ALIVE?”, Kili’s muffled voice floats over to them, accompanied by a metallic pounding noise. His nephews were no doubt banging on the board.

 

“We’re here! We’re both alright. Stay calm Kili, Fili.”, Thorin shouts back and he hears a cry of relief. 

 

“Oh good, we thought you had died!”, Kili shouts back and Thorin can’t help but roll his eyes at how dramatic the boy could be.

 

“Unca? Unca Bilbo!”, a small voice cries out and Bilbo breath stutters slightly.

 

“It’s okay, my dear Frodo. I’ll be with you in a minute!”

 

“Oh! Speaking of which, Master Nori says that the people who can remove the thing will only be here in about an hour, so you have to come out the other way!”, Fili informs them and Thorin frowns. A hand on his forearm startles him to face Bilbo.

 

“It’s for the best Thorin, we want to get to them as soon as possible”, Bilbo says in a pleading tone and Thorin nods reluctantly. The other man smiles gratefully and Thorin returns with a weaker version of his own.

 

“Alright boys, me and Master Baggins are walking through. Wait for us on the other side, you hear?”

 

“They copy Thorin, be careful alrigh’?”, Dwalin’s voice drifts through and Thorin shouts back a confirmation.

 

Refocusing back on Bilbo he finds the other man staring warily at the left turn in front of them.

 

“It can’t be that bad right? I mean after all, this place is designed for three year olds...”, Bilbo trails off and Thorin nods.

 

“We’ll be fine.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

\---

 

“Are you sure you didn’t hurt them?”, Fili asks nervously, twisting his lion tail around in his hands. 

 

Nori’s lips quirk into a small smile, eyes not looking up from the bank notes he’s shifting through.

 

“They’re fine lad, I wouldn’t have lowered that sign if I wasn’t sure of it. Now run along and go comfort your brother.”

 

Fili nods and jogs over to Kili and Frodo. 

 

Nori smiles widely this time, before stuffing the money into his back pocket. The sanity of the community will hopefully be restored if those two idiots could kiss already.

 

“Let me guess”, his younger brother’s voice sounds from behind him”, it was your ‘civic duty’?”

 

Nori chuckles.

 

“Why yes it was Ori, yes it was.”

 

\---

 

“WHY ARE THERE NEON LIGHTS AND SCREAMS IN A HAUNTED MAZE?!”, Bilbo yells over the din and Thorin shrugs, not expecting the other man to see it.

 

To be honest the only thing Thorin can see of the other man is his silhouette, fairy wings and all. They had been here for about twenty minutes and Thorin is beginning to wonder if waiting by the entrance was a better idea.

 

After a few more minutes of struggling through flashes and orange lanterns, they reach a relatively soft spot in the maze. They stand still for a moment, letting the cool breeze blow on their faces.

 

“That is an experience I would like not to have again”, Bilbo breathes out and Thorin hums in agreement.

 

“We should probably continue.”, Thorin says.

 

Well he would’ve if Bilbo hadn’t moved to say the exact same thing, only with a bit more flourish, resulting in him skidding on the slightly wet dirt underneath him.  
Bilbo yelps and stumbles blindly – right into Thorin’s chest.

 

\---

 

“Fir the love of Mahal, what is taking them so bloody long!”, Dwalin exclaims, earning a mumble of agreement within their small gathering.

 

Nori sighs, idly fidgeting with a blade of grass.  
“Patience dear Dwalin, patience.”

 

\---

Bilbo feels warm in his arms, which is welcoming and also very dangerous. Thorin can’t seem to let go and give the other man some space, but to his credit Bilbo isn’t exactly struggling. They stare at each other for what seems like forever, before Thorin feels it’s time to break the silence. 

 

“Bilbo I –“, he’s cut off by Bilbo practically smashing their mouths together. Thorin’s mind blanks and his grip tightens automatically.

 

He can’t believe this is actually happening, but Bilbo’s lips are soft and very, very real. He feels himself sigh into the kiss, before pulling away suddenly.  
Bilbo gasps and detangles himself quickly.

 

“I’m sorry! I- I’ve been wanting to do that for a quite a while and well for a second there it looked like you wanted it too and-“.

 

“Bilbo!”

 

“Yes!?”

 

Thorin huffs out a laugh and takes a step towards Bilbo.

 

“I did want it, I still want it. But, um, considering that our inherited children are waiting for us..”, Thorin says, letting it sink in.

 

“Oh.”

 

“Yes, oh.”

 

“O-oh well, yes I suppose you are right. We have nephews and things and um, yes.”, Bilbo stutters out, raking a hand through his curls.

 

Thorin smiles widely, joy surging through him like it hasn’t in a long time. He holds out a hand for Bilbo to grasp.

 

“Shall we Master Baggins?”, he asks softly and his answer is a tight grip on his hand.

 

“Oh yes we shall, Master Oakenshield.”

 

**Epilogue, Five Years Later  
 ******

****

****“YOU WHAT!”, comes a thunderous roar from inside the house and Fili winces.** **

****

****“Dwalin must have finally told Uncle”, the fifteen year old says and Kili nods solemnly. Suddenly a terrified looking Frodo runs up to them.** **

****

****“Quick! You have to help me, Uncle Bilbo just found out!”** **

****

****All three boys pale at the sound of breaking china. The resounding “BOYS!” is shouted at thin air as yet another Halloween rolls around.** **

****

****End.** **


End file.
